Last year I wrote a blog about trying to keep all the plates spinning on the sticks at once, like circus performers do. This morning I have a different metaphor – I feel like Gumby and various people and situations are pulling at each limb, stretching them farther and farther out.
I understand that I need to focus on saving one limb at a time, but the question is which one? While I was given a final diagnosis of Intellectual Disability for Spencer, I still feel something else is going on. I’ve explained to numerous doctors/therapists/psychiatrists about the pervasive self-talk. And I mean constant. I’m assured this is just the typical imaginary world of a much younger child. I have my doubts. It consumes Spencer and he remains hyperactive. He admits he can’t sit still.
This morning I woke up and focused on trying to center myself for a productive Monday. Unfortunately the school day craziness started – trying to get the kids out of bed, the forgotten note that was sent home in the backpack that needs to be addressed, packing lunches, snacks and emptying the dishwasher. And then I noticed that Spencer was unusually hyperactive and engaged in self-talk. As I followed him to his room to be sure he was getting everything done I heard him say to himself, “I feel like I’m going insane.” Clearly, this is not something a mom can walk away from and it broke my heart – how do you start off a Monday morning when your baby clearly is hurting in some way? And how do I also spend time with my daughter as she’s trying to get off to school?
So everything stops. And I hug Spencer with all my might. And I tell him I love him and that he’s not insane and that I will always be there to help him. Because right now that’s all the matters. A missed school bus, a forgotten lunch or wearing the same clothes from yesterday really is no big deal. No one’s going to remember them.
This morning, that’s the limb I save. The rest will just have to hang on until tomorrow.